I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
