I'd wear matching sweaters with you
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize