My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
