I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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