I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This house was built for laser tag.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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