You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
