I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
