He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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