Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
