Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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