Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
