i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
