I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
