Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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