i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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