im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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