next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
