does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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