Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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