I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
