the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
