I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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