I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
