A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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