When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
