nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
