You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
