dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize