i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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