Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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