I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
