when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
