DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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