i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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