i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
