I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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