i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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