that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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