There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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