my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
