I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
