You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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