Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
