My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And then he peed in my hair
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
