Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
