News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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