I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize