I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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