she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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