cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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