you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
