I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
