I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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