I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
