K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
