That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize