dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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