FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
