I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
