yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
