Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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