What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We smell like vodka and hangover
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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