If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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