i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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