You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize