His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
