Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
