Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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