The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
