Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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