Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
