how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
