Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize