bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
