That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All the doctor said was why
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
