I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
